Our Worst Enemies

Our Worst Enemies….

The worst enemies of anyone who suffers with mental illness are Guilt… Shame and Regret. 

All of these emotions are blood sucking enemies because they waste so much of our precious energy and they never let up… These three emotions have followed me all of my life…  up until NOW… I finally gave them all the BOOT in this last year… Since I am 56 years old… that is a very long time to have hosted these evil things that have held me hostage and abused me endlessly.

For me… it took coming to the end of my rope… I simply could not hang on anymore… I was tired… exhausted actually… frustrated… angry… and completely defeated… One morning I woke up and said… ENOUGH… I can’t take anymore… It has been a LONG process but one that I am so GRATEFUL I was actually able to complete. 

There is nothing wrong with feeling sadness about events and situations that have occurred in our lives… and it is silly to say that we should never feel badly or regret something we have done… but most people get over it… pick themselves up and continue on… with a brand new slate… that is simply how we grow and learn.

We all make mistakes… we all do wrong things sometimes… but hanging onto the feelings of anger or disgust with ourselves is a very BAD place to be… It robs us from STARTING over… and keeps us prisoner to a world with NO HOPE.

Forgiving ourselves and being gentle with ourselves is a very difficult process… at least it has been for me… and I have been a very slow learner… but it is the KEY to mental health wellness.

I have a friend who has experienced the same problem of carrying guilt… shame and regret… and in the middle of a terrible dark place that we were both in… I decided to make an imaginary solution… I told my friend that I baked her extremely poisonous muffins… and ex-lax coated chocolates to keep in her fridge to OFFER  her evil visitors the next time they came calling… we have often joked about this and little by little… we found a way to get rid of our guilt… shame and regret… by supporting and encouraging each other… It is not easy… but adding humour to our situation… gave us HOPE.

The next time guilt or shame come calling on YOU… bring out the muffins and chocolates… and tell them to have a nice day!

                                                                                  ~ Momma Bear

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It Is What It Is

For me… the biggest light bulb moment has been accepting that I am who I am.. and it is what it is… By that I mean… right now… at this moment… I am ME… I can’t change a lot of what I am… but I am finally OK with that… No more hiding… no more going into my deep dark pit all alone.

I am so tired of trying to find answers to questions that don’t seem to have any answers… I suffer with SEVERE CHRONIC DEPRESSION and DYSTHYMIA… both of those illnesses together mean I am NEVER without pain and sorrow… I am always filled with such SADNESS… it is never ending and I have not been able to find the perfect medication to help… I have however been able to find a medication that helps me get a good sleep… and this has been a huge relief… Just recently… I have given up hope on finding that perfect pill… I have come to ACCEPT that this is “as good” as it gets for me… and I am OK with that… I have done my research and learned about my illnesses… There has been such FREEDOM in understanding that I am truly sick… It was not an act… It was not me being a drama queen… it was not something I have done wrong… It is NOT my fault that I am ill… BUT… it is my responsibility to live my life… in the best way I can. I think that is what has changed for me these last few months… is that I have finally ACCEPTED that it is what it is…. and NOW I can begin to live my life… one day at a time… just like everyone else. I realize that the above is easier said than done… but at least it is a starting point for me to begin. I have HOPE for the very first time. 

For me there has been so much FREEDOM in discovering what it means to be clinically depressed… It is something that took me years to understand… I ignored it… I avoided it… I blamed myself for it… and now… FINALLY… I am simply admitting that IT IS WHAT IT IS. 

~ Momma Bear